[Note Well: A reminder that this is a space that represents and speaks for myself only, as an individual. I happen to be a citizen of the USA, and I also happen to be a Christian minister. But this blog is not a space that officially represents either of those organizations. It is my space for reflection and conversation only, and is not meant to be interpreted as anything else.]
Earlier this morning, the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) ruled the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional, and then declared that they had no standing to rule on Proposition 8, which had come initially from California. By deciding in such a way, it has essentially made California the most recent state to recognize the right of marriage for same-sex couples.
With this news, my heart (personally) is joyful, and I want to do nothing but take to the social media-sphere to celebrate with many friends and even relatives who are now able to appreciate the same rights and responsibilities that I and my wife can. It makes me very happy to see them happy, and more so, validated and affirmed. I can not claim to understand what it feels like to have someone or some entity tell me that my love for my spouse is invalid and a sham; I have seen too much love from my gay friends and family to even consider that it is inauthentic. In many cases, it has been healthier and more committed than other marriages/relationships I have seen…
But I find, on this morning, that I am struggling to be too celebratory, at least in an outright fashion, for I am afraid.
I am afraid, because my vocation has me in a position and a place where, if I were to speak too loudly or happily about the decisions of this morning, then I will no longer be in a position to act as a guide for the very people to which I have been called to do so. I am afraid that it will hurt my ability to reach out and connect with them and the community at large, to be able to share myself with them, and vice-verse, in honest relationship, to seek together the self-same Spirit of God which not only brings us together but continues to work in mysterious and sometimes frightening ways. I am afraid that it could even cost me my income, which is desperately needed at the moment. The denomination in which I serve does not currently endorse or condone an accepting understanding of gay marriage, and the culture of the community around me may not be as open to such an understanding, either. And so, I am afraid. Even as I write this, I am afraid that people in the church I serve will read it, and rather than be open to honest and respectful conversation (I have absolutely NO intention of forcing someone to believe in a way they cannot!), I will be dismissed outright, and the defensive lines will go up.
Is it possible that I am now starting to get an idea of how my friends and family have felt all these long years? Is that too much to consider, even?
I love the people of this church, in the way that I am called to love them (and I am grateful for such an amazing gift in such a short time span since my arrival here). I love that, together with them, we are able and privileged to seek out the love of God in Christ. Every day is an amazing gift because of these relationships, and I would grieve the loss of such more so than the issue of loss of income. Life is about relationship, and I am blessed to have as many as I do, especially in this congregation.
And I love my friends and family, with whom I have shared so much, whom I have been supported by, and whom I have been able to celebrate with, and mourn with, watching as they have been denigrated and denied the rights that I enjoy, for a love that is very evidently no less than mine is for my spouse.
And so, I find I am divided, and I do not know where to turn. I find that I must seek out a way to walk a narrow – and increasingly shrinking – middle ground. I am thankful that this middle ground continues to shrink, but I find it difficult now to realize that, personally, I can celebrate, but vocationally, my hands are still tied, and celebration is the last thing I can do. The way forward is not clear; this will need to change. I fear for what that may mean for the people in this church, in this community, whom I love, but who will not be comfortable with such changes. I feel the tides of change, and I wish to be a part of seeing equal treatment of all, but neither do I wish to put up a barrier to those who do not feel the same as I do, whose humanity is just as valid, and whose opinion is, at least, to be just as respected. We are called, I believe, to love everyone, as we have been loved. I know that there are people in my congregation who will be thrilled and overjoyed at these decisions, just as I know that there are people in my congregation who will not be happy, wondering what sort of world we live in. I love them all, and am torn to be in the middle of this. Even with all my privilege, I am torn.
I do not yet know which way to turn, save to say to my friends and family: Congratulations. I have known all along what the SCOTUS now affirms, and it gives me joy to see your joy. I will continue to hope and, as able, work for change in my denomination, following all the proper and respectful ways to do so. I believe that some modicum of harmony is possible, even if such a belief is naive. May the Holy Spirit continue to guide us all…
MonkAtHeart 